Putting The Fun Into Funeral
Due to a recent family event, I realized that I have no post on funeral etiquette and I feel it is time to rectify that. Yes, I did have a death in the family last week, things are fine and “sorry for your loss” comments, while appreciated, will not be approved.
This coffin signifies that gay jokes are acceptable.
Wakes and funerals tend to be very quiet and somber with most people keeping their mouths clamped shut while they struggle to find words to say. Funeral etiquette will tell you that you shouldn’t laugh, and you should probably cry, and apologize constantly to every member of the family you see.
Here’s the thing about funeral etiquette though: No one truly gives a damn about the dead. Sure, we miss them and they were good people (or so we’ll say at their burial), but we really care about those that survived them. Proper funeral etiquette would be to shake hands with the relatives of the deceased, but offer your condolences to the one closest to the deceased.
When greeting someone at a funeral it is important that you do something that no one else there will be doing: Smile. Stop your stuttering, stammering, and disagreeing – you’re not the dead guy, so you should fucking smile. Shake hands with the family members and move down the line – chances are you won’t have much to say to anyone anyway until you hit the closest surviving relative of the departed. If you are very close to this person, hug them and say the following words,
“How are you doing?” Make sure to look them in the eye and keep smiling. Now, when I say you should smile, I want you to think “old and wise minister” smile, not bozo the clown. Smile warmly, like you genuinely care about them.
When applicable, it is fine to tell stories about the departed – but make sure they’re fond. When a friend of mine died last year, I remarked about how, “I still [owed] that bastard five dollars.” It’s a warm sentiment that displays the virtue of the deceased, so it’s an okay thing to say. If you’re unsure about the story to tell, weigh it carefully and decide if it exemplifies their character, and if you’re a good story teller – for most people this type of situation isn’t hard to get through, but you never know; sometimes we just sort of drop the ball. You should probably make sure that that sort of thing doesn’t happen when attempting to honor the memory of the deceased.
If you don’t know the deceased well, don’t worry. You obviously know somebody at the funeral, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. Reminisce with that person because I promise you he’s tired of thinking about how dead his brother is. He’ll appreciate the slight distraction and a bit of levity in light of the tragedy, so enjoy your time with him.
Some of the finer points of Funeral Etiquette
You would be best served to leave your phone locked up in your vehicle. I cannot think of one single situation that is so important that it can’t wait another 20 minutes. Even if your wife and dog just got throw over a cliff after being set on fire, it can wait another 20 minutes – mostly because if that happens, they’re not going to be any more dead in 20 minutes than they already are. Someone is attempting to honor the memory of a loved one and mourn a tragic loss – it’s bad form to shoot a quick text to Garret, asking about that presentation for the office on Wednesday.
During the actual funeral proceedings, people will probably be crying. You might want to keep some tissues on hand in case you or the person next to you starts crying. However, despite the hushed sounds of crying, it is not okay for you to take time during the service to talk to your neighbor.
If you’re standing by the graveside, or really anywhere, you should keep your hands either down by your side, crossed in front of you, or crossed behind you. It looks very bad to cross them over your chest, shift your weight from foot to foot, or put your hands in your pocket – these are all body language cues for, “Man I’m bored, when does this shit end? I wanna hit up Golden Corral while they still have that special going on.” This also applies to things like yawning, fidgeting, or excessively looking around – just try and be respectful. Imagine its your mom in the casket, and act how you would want everyone else to act.
Don’t pull. No matter what the movie Wedding Crashers tells you, funerals are both the very wrong place and the very wrong time to try and pull some ass. If you go out to dinner that night with some people who were in attendance, that’s different. However, when you are actually at the service, keep your lines to yourself. There are plenty of times and places to get some ass, and “Funeral” is nowhere on that list.
Funeral Attire
If you’re going to a wake, you don’t have to kill it. You can get away with a polo and some nice slacks. Typically wakes are a tad bit more casual. I had family showing up to the last wake in spring colors, along with a myriad of guests – though I don’t necessarily condone this exact method of dress at a wake, a dark polo and some slacks will get you through.
The funeral itself is a different story. It is traditionally a time of mourning and outspoken colors are both frowned upon and will make you look like a tremendous asshole.
Wear a black jacket and black slacks – not navy blue (not ever navy blue) – black shoes that should have been shined the night before, and a black neck tie.
Do not wear a bow tie, ascot or Texas tie. Wear a regular black neck tie, and tie a full Windsor in it. Make sure you shave/comb your beard beforehand. You want to look neat and professional, like you gave a damn about the person and are trying to honor their memory with your presence and by putting your best foot forward.
As far as the type of ties go, black bow ties are for weddings, an ascot will make you look like an asshole, and when was the last time you actually met someone who both took themselves seriously and wore a Texas tie? Colored or flamboyant ties are also not appropriate just out of tradition. Funerals are for mourning the loss of the dead – hence the black. Black vests are optional, and an option I always choose. You can wear a white, black, or no pocket square at all – but don’t stray from those options.
So there is your basic crash course in funeral etiquette and attire. I hope none of you have to use any of this advice any time soon.
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A very coincidental post. A coworker of mine died in an accident over the weekend. I didn’t know him personally but a lot people I know did. I feel bad for those who did but really have no way of reminiscing about the guy. I plan on attending the memorial and wake. Your post actually answered some of the questions I had been asking myself. Thanks.
But what if funerals are the only place I can pull? I mean, what if they are the only place my friend can pull?
[Then you're doing it wrong. I get the feeling you probably rock the 'asshole game' a little too hard.]